MARK SIMPSON.com

Does England and Manchester United footballer Wayne Rooney (in the white) read Out on the sly, perhaps hidden inside a copy of Zoo?  He seems to be taking ‘Sporno’ to new extremes.

British tabloid The Sun claims today that bit-of-rough Roo has confided in ‘talks with pals’ ‘over breakfast’ that ‘pretty boy’ Manchester United team mate Christiano Ronaldo has finally tormented the scouse scallyboy too much.  I know how he feels.

A frustrated Wayne is now supposedly vowing to ‘split him in two’ next time they meet in the locker rooms of Old Trafford.

The Sun describes Christiano as a ‘slippery winker’ – so it sounds as if he’ll be ready for Roo.

Either way, I sincerely hope one of them remembers to switch their camphones on.  This historic encounter should be recorded for, erm, posteriority. 

(And in case you think my report is slanted and fantastical, you should have a look at The Sun’s.)