In honour of this week’s launch of the new Bond movie ‘Casino Royale’, featuring Daniel Craig as the new, pumped, shaved, very tight-shirted blond Bond – he may be a secret agent but Craig’s pecs have very publicly outed his metrosexuality – here’s my breakdown of the different Bonds according to their gayness, Bondness, and shagability. (From November’s Out magazine).
![\universe 3rd Shagging Mr Bond\](http://marksimpson.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/universe_3rd.jpg "\universe 3rd photo\")
SEAN CONNERY – 1962-1967; 1971
Author Ian Fleming thought the Scottish actor ‘an overgrown stuntman’ but was later won over by the burly, latent-metrosexual Bond. Who can blame him?
Gayness: 10 (bodybuilder, fake tan, lipstick, wigs)
Bondness: 10
Shagability: 10 (but you might get a slap)
![\george lazenby Shagging Mr Bond\](http://marksimpson.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/george_lazenby.gif "\george lazenby photo\")
GEORGE LAZENBY (1969)
The craggy Aussie former unarmed combat instructor played bond for only one film: OHMSS. Not perhaps the greatest actor, but who cares in that kilt? He pre-empts Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct by decades – and completely outclasses her.
Gayness: 8 (that kilt again – plus he pretends to be gay)
Bondness: 8
Shagability: 009 (that kilt!)
![\rogermoore dining360x360 Shagging Mr Bond\](http://marksimpson.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/rogermoore_dining360x360.png "\rogermoore dining360x360 photo\")
ROGER MOORE (1973-1985)
The longest serving Bond, Moore played 007 for effete laughs. Probably because he knew he couldn’t compare to what had swung before him. Maybe that’s why he didn’t wear a kilt.
Gayness: 3 (only for the catty quips and arched eyebrows)
Bondness: 4
Shagability: 003 (can you find his arse in those high-waisted flares?)
![\007Dalton Shagging Mr Bond\](http://marksimpson.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/007Dalton.jpg "\007Dalton photo\")
TIMOTHY DALTON (1987-1989)
The Royal Shakespeare Company Bond. Jean-Luc Picard plus hair. Why?
Gayness: 1 (only because he’s RSC)
Bondness: 1
Shaggability: 001 (a mercy fuck)
![\pierce brosnan bond 2 Shagging Mr Bond\](http://marksimpson.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/pierce_brosnan_bond_2.jpg "\pierce brosnan bond 2 photo\")
PIERCE BROSNAN (1995-2002)
Bond finally runs out of spunk. Proficient but sexless Irish actor, politically updated by feminism – but not aesthetically. By ‘Die Another Day’ he resembled an Eighties knitwear catalogue model trapped in a Noughties computer game.
Gayness: 0
Bondness: 1
Shaggability: 000 (no, no seven!)
![\bahamas Shagging Mr Bond\](http://marksimpson.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/bahamas.jpg "\bahamas photo\")
DANIEL CRAIG (2006-)
Bond finally comes out of the metro-closet, baby! First working class Bond since Connery and also the first since the Sixties to possess a body. And, boy, does he like to show it off! Bond is at last the sex-object he clearly craved to be thirty years ago. Bond, in other words, finally becomes his own Bond Girl.
Gayness: 11/10
Shagability: 8 (nice tits shame about the face)
Bondness: To be determined….
Ahhh…Mr. Simpson, you’re killing me with this Bond stuff.
If I ever meet a self-proclaimed ‘gay’ man who acts anything like Bond someone will have to pick me up off the floor (possibly for multiple reasons). Ain’t happened yet.
A fella used to be able to have good looks and style without being called ‘gay.’
However, the part about Craig becoming his own Bond girl was pretty accurate. Probably as much because of *how* they feature the body (as in, as much as possible and in every ad) as anything.
[...] Firstly, Daniel Craig. What a sweet revenge he must be enjoying! The best way to get back at your critics must surely be to rise above it and blow their objections out of the water. Generally, everyone has agreed that Daniel Craig is one of the best ever Bonds; certainly knocking Pierce Brosnan’s efforts into a cocked hat. (Oh, where did all go wrong? ‘Tomorrow Never Dies’ was soo good, but as Mark Simpson so vividly puts it,”by ‘Die Another Day’ he resembled an Eighties knitwear catalogue model trapped in a Noughties computer game.”) Obviously he doesn’t do it all by himself, but he’s the first Bond for a long while you feel could actually be dangerous. There’s something more unsettling about an intelligent man who will shoot you than a smug turtle-necked gent who will shoot you; I’m sure in practice that’s a stupid statement, but it’s make-believe, so I’ll I say what I like. Also worth a mention is the swimwear; all over the trailers but sadly lacking screen-time in the event. I wonder if he knew they were guaranteed their place in cinematic history when he put them on? [...]
[...] All in all, the best Bond movie in decades and the best Bond – perhaps the only Bond – since Connery. Posted in commentary , masculinity , metrosexual | [...]
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