Black Speedos, black pride and the American ‘Phalliban’

grey Black Speedos, black pride and the American Phalliban

Following my recent ‘Speedophobia’ fea­ture for OUT about the American Phalliban, it seems the ter­ri­fy­ing out­line of male gen­italia is still strik­ing fear into the hearts of our Colonial cous­ins — even in movies set in the tight-fit 1970s.

According to Rod 2.0 the American Motion Picture Association of America was so alarmed by the Speedo-clad sil­hou­ette of Evan Ross’s packet in a poster pro­mot­ing ‘Pride’, a film about Philadelphia’s first black swimteam they accused the film-makers of digit­ally enhan­cing his, erm, pride and refused to approve it. (Ross, Diana’s son no less, is the first unclothed Speedo-wearing swim­mer from left to right.)

Now, at the risk of sound­ing like a jaded size queen it doesn’t seem to me to me to be that big a deal. It’s def­in­itely, reas­sur­ingly there, if you know what I mean, but not in a tre­mend­ously ‘enhanced’ way. Besides, he’s part of the back­ground and the two men in the fore­ground are fully clothed. One is even wear­ing a hat.

So what was the AMPA think­ing of? Well, per­haps they weren’t think­ing but day-dreaming. The (prob­ably mostly white) board saw a black phal­lus in black Speedos titled with the word ‘PRIDE’ and got all steamed up. Either way, they wanted a closer look: they deman­ded the film-makers provide them with the ori­ginal artwork.

Remembering though the titanic trouble the makers of last year’s ‘Superman’ went to to get his pack­age ‘not too big’, ‘not too small’ and ‘not too pointy’ — appar­ently it was the single most ‘press­ing’ cos­tume con­cern — it’s clear that whitey has to be smooth and tidy too. And wear red-alert con­tain­ment pants over his kinky blue Spandex all-in-one.

Both penis-panics ‘point up’ some­thing rather tick­lish about the US phal­liban — in its haste to shield America’s hon­our from the jaw-dropping, mind-reeling hor­ror of the sil­hou­ette of men’s bits it merely reveals that Uncle Sam is think­ing rather a lot about cock. Black and white and all the deli­cious shades in between.

‘Pride’ opens in the US on March 23.

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