MARK SIMPSON .com

A recent study using the new-fangled science of ‘eyetracking’ to improve the readability of online pages seems to have produced, erm, prominent proof of the eye-catching power of Sporno - for men.

The eye-popping graph on the left appeared on the Annenberg Online Journalism Review’s dignified website with the the soberly explanatory rubric:

‘This image of George Brett was part of a larger page with his biographical information. All users tested looked the image, but there was a distinct difference in focus between men and women.’

No kidding. dude.

The results are in folks and it seems chaps are more interested baseballer’s ’stats’ than chapesses.

This eyetracking/eyeballing graph seems to have surprised some, even shocked others. Not me. Perhaps I’ve spent too long hanging around the showers and the gents, but I’ve always maintained – with the benefit of that old-fangled eyetracking technology known as ‘cruising’ – that while some women are size-queens, all men are.

‘Fixation length’ is a very masculine trait.

What’s more, all men know this, though many don’t admit it, even to themselves. Why else would straight blokes in men-only locker rooms stripping off after the game give their pee-pees a crafty plumping pull or three before hopping in the shower with their teammates? (Sorry lads, I coudn’t help but notice….) In case the women’s synchronised swimming team, overcome by chlorine fumes, get disorientated on their way back to their lockeroom and somehow find themselves in the men’s showers?

Guys are more interested than gals in what makes a guy a guy. This is why gay and straight men have much more in common than either of them usually care to admit. Knowing that other men are going to check him out – and find him wanting – is probably one of the reasons why most American males today are Speedophobic.

But you don’t have to take my depraved word for it. Just take a peek at web porn for straight men. Is a penis that doesn’t look like something that should be housed in one of Count Von Zeppelin’s draughtier hangars even allowed anywhere near a videoed vagina these days?

And all that spam cluttering up your Inbox promising a larger penis isn’t appealing to male weakness in regard to sexytime with the ladies so much as the male’s weakness for maleness. The unconscious pitch is: A REALY BIG PORNO PENIS can be yours to HAVE and to HOLD! With TWO HANDS! Think of all the ADMIRING and BITTERLY ENVIOUS looks your HUGE IMPRESSIVE SCHLONG will get from the guys in the locker room!

Most penis enlargement techniques only make the flaccid penis larger, not the erect variety – in other words, most penis enlargement is for the benefit of your gym buddies and teammates, not your girlfriend. Penis enlargement makes show-ers not growers.

While I know women who are proudly sizist, it doesn’t appear as if they were part of the eyetracking study, which seemed to indicate nada interest by the fairer sex in men’s baskets. Perhaps, despite Sex in the City, women really do like twinkly eyes more than a full basket. Whatever, it’s fairly clear that women are expected to act out straight men’s size queenery on their behalf – especially in porn movies. The insatiable porno slut’s job is to reflect back the straight man’s inexhaustible love of big dick. This is why it is impossible to ever imagine this dialogue in a straight porn movie:

PORNOSTUD: Yeah, bitch, you love that big piece dontcha?

PORNOSLUT: Well now, funny you should ask because, thing is, I actually find your penis somewhat impractical, very uncomfortable and frankly a bit freakish. Would you mind wearing this plastic donut at the base to reduce the length?

It would be far too much like the real world of men and women instead of the nympho world of male sexual fantasy. Of course, in the twilight world of male homosexuality size queenery isn’t restrained or veiled by a pretended sexual division of cockwatching. Hence the old gay joke: ‘There are only two kinds of gay men – size queens and liars.’

It goes without saying that this kind of terrible generalisation is grossly unfair. I’m sure there are some gay men out there who really don’t like large penises. It’s not their fault they’re so strange and perverted.

The Romans knew a thing or two about the fascination of packets and weren’t afraid of talking about it – or inventing words for it. The word ‘fascination’ itself comes from the Latin ‘fascinus’ which means ‘penis’ or ‘charm’. Phallic charms or amulets were worn around the neck for luck.

I’m sure that if nothing else they improved your batting average.

Thanks to Uroskin for rubbing this story in my face

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