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A recent study using the new-fangled sci­ence of ‘eye­track­ing’ to improve the read­abil­ity of online pages seems to have pro­duced, erm, promi­nent proof of the eye-catching power of Sporno - for men.

The eye-popping graph on the left appeared on the Annen­berg Online Jour­nal­ism Review’s dig­ni­fied web­site with the the soberly explana­tory rubric:

‘This image of George Brett was part of a larger page with his bio­graph­i­cal infor­ma­tion. All users tested looked the image, but there was a dis­tinct dif­fer­ence in focus between men and women.’

No kid­ding. dude.

The results are in folks and it seems chaps are more inter­ested baseballer’s ‘stats’ than chapesses.

This eyetracking/eyeballing graph seems to have sur­prised some, even shocked oth­ers. Not me. Per­haps I’ve spent too long hang­ing around the show­ers and the gents, but I’ve always main­tained — with the ben­e­fit of that old-fangled eye­track­ing tech­nol­ogy known as ‘cruis­ing’ — that while some women are size-queens, all men are.

‘Fix­a­tion length’ is a very mas­cu­line trait.

What’s more, all men know this, though many don’t admit it, even to them­selves. Why else would straight blokes in men-only locker rooms strip­ping off after the game give their pee-pees a crafty plump­ing pull or three before hop­ping in the shower with their team­mates? (Sorry lads, I coudn’t help but notice.…) In case the women’s syn­chro­nised swim­ming team, over­come by chlo­rine fumes, get dis­ori­en­tated on their way back to their locke­room and some­how find them­selves in the men’s showers?

Guys are more inter­ested than gals in what makes a guy a guy. This is why gay and straight men have much more in com­mon than either of them usu­ally care to admit. Know­ing that other men are going to check him out — and find him want­ing — is prob­a­bly one of the rea­sons why most Amer­i­can males today are Speedo­pho­bic.

But you don’t have to take my depraved word for it. Just take a peek at web porn for straight men. Is a penis that doesn’t look like some­thing that should be housed in one of Count Von Zeppelin’s draugh­tier hangars even allowed any­where near a videoed vagina these days?

And all that spam clut­ter­ing up your Inbox promis­ing a larger penis isn’t appeal­ing to male weak­ness in regard to sexy­time with the ladies so much as the male’s weak­ness for male­ness. The uncon­scious pitch is: A REALY BIG PORNO PENIS can be yours to HAVE and to HOLD! With TWO HANDS! Think of all the ADMIRING and BITTERLY ENVIOUS looks your HUGE IMPRESSIVE SCHLONG will get from the guys in the locker room!

Most penis enlarge­ment tech­niques only make the flac­cid penis larger, not the erect vari­ety — in other words, most penis enlarge­ment is for the ben­e­fit of your gym bud­dies and team­mates, not your girl­friend. Penis enlarge­ment makes show-ers not growers.

While I know women who are proudly sizist, it doesn’t appear as if they were part of the eye­track­ing study, which seemed to indi­cate nada inter­est by the fairer sex in men’s bas­kets. Per­haps, despite Sex in the City, women really do like twinkly eyes more than a full bas­ket. What­ever, it’s fairly clear that women are expected to act out straight men’s size queen­ery on their behalf — espe­cially in porn movies. The insa­tiable porno slut’s job is to reflect back the straight man’s inex­haustible love of big dick. This is why it is impos­si­ble to ever imag­ine this dia­logue in a straight porn movie:

PORNOSTUD: Yeah, bitch, you love that big piece dontcha?

PORNOSLUT: Well now, funny you should ask because, thing is, I actu­ally find your penis some­what imprac­ti­cal, very uncom­fort­able and frankly a bit freak­ish. Would you mind wear­ing this plas­tic donut at the base to reduce the length?

It would be far too much like the real world of men and women instead of the nympho world of male sex­ual fan­tasy. Of course, in the twi­light world of male homo­sex­u­al­ity size queen­ery isn’t restrained or veiled by a pre­tended sex­ual divi­sion of cock­watch­ing. Hence the old gay joke: ‘There are only two kinds of gay men — size queens and liars.’

It goes with­out say­ing that this kind of ter­ri­ble gen­er­al­i­sa­tion is grossly unfair. I’m sure there are some gay men out there who really don’t like large penises. It’s not their fault they’re so strange and perverted.

The Romans knew a thing or two about the fas­ci­na­tion of pack­ets and weren’t afraid of talk­ing about it — or invent­ing words for it. The word ‘fas­ci­na­tion’ itself comes from the Latin ‘fasci­nus’ which means ‘penis’ or ‘charm’. Phal­lic charms or amulets were worn around the neck for luck.

I’m sure that if noth­ing else they improved your bat­ting average.

Thanks to Uroskin for rub­bing this story in my face