MARK SIMPSON.com

Madonna and Guy Ritchie recently celebrated his 39th birthday at Claridges, London.  The Daily Mail claims, and the pictures of them leaving seem to suggest, she presented him with an unconventional present.  One he didn’t fancy being seen carrying himself:

Let’s have a closer look….

Oh, it’s the Purple Penetrator strap-on! 

Here’s what AnnSummers.com has to say about it:

‘Strap it on and slip it in!! 6″ dildo with adjustable waist and back strap to fit all sizes. Comes with perfectly positioned vibrating bullett to give the wearer clitoral stimulation whilst pleasuring her mate!’

Hubby Guy Ritchie looks like he can’t wait to get home and be pleasured.  I wonder if he has been swapping ‘tips’ with Stefan Postma?

But then, Guy is a man who has a history of interest in ‘arse-intruding dildos’.

In ’Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrells’ (1998), an all-male gangster movie obsessed with bumming and ’pooves’ written and directed by Guy (and remade by him a couple of years later as ‘Snatch’), one of his oh-so-cheeky chappies explains, in loving, lengthy detail, the ‘perfect’ scam:

‘Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos…. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie’s Bits or something, for twenty-five quid. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn’t get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!’

Obviously Madonna didn’t have any embarrassment at letting the world and its bank manager know that she tickles Guy’s arse when she’s not paying in cheques.  (Guy’s career, unlike his wife’s, has been in the doldrums lately.)

It may well be just an elaborate joke at Guy’s expense, but I for one find it remarkably easy to imagine him Purple-faced and having his Snatch… snatched. 

Tip: Anglophenia