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Male bi-curiousness may not be as ‘cool’ as The Daily Beast thinks, but banana-curiousity is clearly all the rage.

There has been a bit of a vogue for young men video­ing them­selves greed­ily down­load­ing curved phal­lic fruit and upload­ing the some­times messy, some­times awe-inspiring results to YouTube. I’ve col­lected a few exam­ples which may put you off your packed lunch. Or make you want to get to know it a whole lot better.

Because it’s a fruit that looks like a penis and is not an actual penis, fruit fel­la­tio is some­thing you can per­form for your help­lessly snig­ger­ing male bud­dies on buses, in bar­racks and can­teens and post on YouTube for the world to see with­out age restric­tions or, appar­ently, any embarrassment.

Nor does it tell us any­thing about your sex­u­al­ity — save that you’re prob­a­bly ridicu­lously het­ero­sex­ual. Though it may sug­gest that, like most straight men nowa­days, you spend rather a lot of time mas­tur­bat­ing furi­ously over porn fea­tur­ing gar­gan­tuan penises more ani­mal or veg­etable than human while won­der­ing — just before you shoot all over the mon­i­tor again — whether or not you could do a bet­ter job of swal­low­ing it than the ladies.

It’s a shame that male bi-curiousness couldn’t be treated the way banana-curiousness is by most peo­ple: just an eye-watering laugh that doesn’t mean any­thing, still less reveal­ing some ‘inner truth’ about who or what you really are — or aren’t.  In other words, a bit like female bi-curiousness.

In fact, let’s just scrub the word ‘bi-curious’ for men, since it is appar­ently such a charged term, and replace it with ‘banana-curious’. Banana-curious guys could dis­cretely flag up their inter­est to other banana-curious males by includ­ing a pic­ture of them eat­ing a banana on their online profiles.

Sadly though, such is the stigma still attached to men’s inter­est in other men and their bits that even banana-curiousness will some­times get you flamed as… FAGGOT!!!!!  And even lads who like to throat twelve-inch ‘cock bananas’ on cam­era will fall over to prove them­selves fag-haters because that of course proves their heterosexuality.

There’s a furi­ous exchange on YouTube between the young chap above, who man­fully attempts what he describes as ‘a cock banana’ (of Holme­sian pro­por­tions that would have me hid­ing under the bed, quak­ing like a wet chi­huahua) and a clearly envi­ous if some­what con­flicted com­menter who starts off by screaming:

‘GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!!!!! ’

The banana-throater responds wittily:

‘your the gay one fuck head ’

Which leads inevitably to the riposte:

‘your gay for makin’ this video ’

Fas­ci­nat­ing epis­te­mo­log­i­cal ques­tion, that. Who is gayer? The uptight straight boy throat­ing a twelve inch ‘cock banana’ on YouTube or the straight boy watch­ing it and work­ing him­self into a homo­pho­bic froth about it?

‘your the fag­got who searched for it ‚if you like men youtube aint the place’

‘you’re gay for makin’ the video for us to search for,and I never searched for it. It came up when I was look­ingh for some­thing of a com­pletely dif­fer­ent category.’

Yes! That’s exactly how I came across this clip too!

Maybe it’s just me, but when­ever I come across this kind of exchange between young males it always seems clear as day that such pas­sion­ate denun­ci­a­tions of one another as ‘fag­gots’ is only pos­si­ble — in fact only makes any kind of sense — if ‘fag­got’ thoughts are extremely com­mon amongst young males and they are for­ever fret­ting that they’ll be found out. (This is also very prob­a­bly the rea­son why male bisex­u­al­ity is much more prob­lem­atic than the female vari­ety: because they’re so com­mon the repu­di­a­tion of ‘fag­got’ thoughts is a more deeply ingrained aspect of mas­culin­ity — almost its def­i­n­i­tion, in fact.)

The banana-throater’s girl­friend even pitches in to prove he’s not gay — which of course proves he couldn’t be inter­ested in penises — and to shoo away the gays that are cir­cling around her tal­ented boyfriend:

‘sorry gay boy its only a banana if you want to see cock why dont you go buy a poofs magazine’

Mind you, dear, as one of the posters points out, your boyfriend did title his charm­ing video ‘cock banana’, so you can hardly blame the gay boy poofs can you? Your boyfriend, like you, does appear to have ‘issues’. Here’s the banana-cock-throating boy’s own response to another poster’s offer to let him try out his skills on the real thing:

‘no thanks gay boy, women are sup­pose to do that kind of thing. its adam and eve not adam and steve.’

Whereas deep-throating bananas is of course entirely nat­ural and nor­mal and as God intended.

But the really impor­tant ques­tion, er, ‘thrown up’ by these clips is of course: who has the best tech­nique? No.2 looks to have the most capa­cious throat, but I’m tick­led by No.5’s enthu­si­asm, while No.6 has a very cheeky fin­ish.  Please post your reviews.…

And to all you banana-curious lads out there won­der­ing how to sup­press that tricky gag-reflex: try tak­ing a deep breath before swal­low­ing. Pop­pers, relax­ing music and a hand around the back of the head helps too.

Health and Safety Notice: if you really are going to try this at home I should prob­a­bly point out that an actual penis or proper plas­tic dildo is prob­a­bly less dan­ger­ous down your throat than a banana as it’s some­what less lik­ley to break in two and choke you to death.

3.

“I hurt my throat!” (Yeah, right.)

4.

“It’s a big dick!” Not really, dear.…

5.

Lots of eye–con­tact here.

6.

A cheeky finish.

UPDATE 1/4/12

A few years on and it seems one or two of the banana-throaters posted above have become a tad shy about their tal­ents and pulled their clips. So I had a quick look on YouTube and found a new banana star — a cute blond jar­head who deep throats curved fruit in the bar­racks for a dol­lar. “Will you go out with me?” jokes his clearly impressed bunk buddy.

Mean­while some­one has kindly col­lected a ‘bunch’ of Youtube banana-throating vids and spliced them together: