Watching former mooning hell-raiser turned right-wing Republican fundamentalist and morality campaigner Stephen Baldwin as the self-styled ‘light of truth’ on the new infernal-themed series of C4′s Celebrity Big Brother I was reminded of an hilariously candid interview (posted below) Alexis Arquette, his co-star in 90s (very) tentatively-bi-flick Threesome, gave me a decade or so ago. ‘Saved’ Baldwin, who now worries about his kids learning in school that homosexuality is normal, probably wants to forget swinging Threesome, and given his inebriated state at the time has probably already forgotten what he got up to with Alexis.

But thanks to the internets, he need never forget again!

Alexis revealed, amongst other things, how Baldwin and Usual Suspects director Bryan Singer had a more embarrassing threesome in Stephen’s pick-up truck. After being subjected to heavy flirting from Baldwin all evening an out-of-it Singer broked down and blubbed on Baldwin’s shoulder ‘Oh GOD! I want you SOOO MUCH!’.

Alexis also told when they were filming Threesome Stephen frequently got his ‘very, very thick’ cock out and waved it at him, saying he wanted to get blown by a chick while Alexis watched. Stephen’s penis wasn’t the only thing on display, however.  He once proffered Alexis his butt in a hotel lobby, bending over and rubbing it shouting ‘Oh, dude, this ass is SOMETHING ELSE!  You’ll FUCKING LOVE it man!’

This was back when Baldwin still had a Satanic bubble-butt, instead of a born-again barn door.  And when Alexis still had a penis.  Alexis you see is now a rather transtastic woman.

What a difference a decade makes!  I think though I’d much rather have had Alexis’ decade than Stephen’s.

As you’ll see in the interview, Alexis didn’t take Stephen up on his offer, prompting me to suggest that it would be nothing short of blasphemy for Stephen’s prime rump to reach saggy old age without being put to the purpose which God clearly intended — and selflessly offer my services in averting this outcome.  Alexis thought they might not be entirely unwelcome as back then Stephen was very broad-minded.

But twelve years on Stephen looks like a Donald Trump that’s been left too close to the radiator overnight and I’m no longer so sure I can rise to the occassion.  Besides, his saggy ass now belongs to Jesus.

Maybe Bryan Singer can help?

———

Sex Rap

Alexis Arquette interviewed by Mark Simpson

(Originally appeared in Attitude magazine, 1998)

Fierce drag queen in Last Exit To Brooklyn, hysterical rejected fag in Threesome, trembly sniper in Pulp Fiction, dipsy dithering boyfriend in I Think I do (and brother to family thesps Patricia, Rosanna and David) Alexis Arquette, arthouse Hollywood’s favourite sissy is actually something of a dude in the flesh.  Within minutes of meeting I just want to go out and down a crate of Bud with him and talk baseball scores.

But, you’ll be glad to hear, all he’s interested in talking about is sex.

ALEXIS: I’m a lot like John Malkovich’s character in Dangerous Liaisons.  I just talk about sex all the time.  Actually John’s a lot like that character too.  He wants to know all the details about your sex life and what you got up to last night.  You’ll be on the set and he’ll go in that weird wavery voice of his, ‘Alexiss, last night I was having sssex with a wo-man and she put her fing-er up my asssshole.’  ‘Did you like it?’ I asked.  ‘Yeah.  It was really great!’ he said.  It was a revelation for him!  I said, ‘Well, of course you did!  It’s like the male fucking G Spot, dude!’

I like talking about sex, but don’t really like talking about sex beforehand, if you know what I mean.  But then, I do like talking during sex….

MARK: You like abuse?

Well, I’ve not really had that yet, but maybe it’s something I want.  Part of me thinks it’s the slave gene that’s in us all.  At some point all of our ancestors were enslaved, or something.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  But on the other hand if I was in love with a boyfriend and saw him get tied up and fucked and slapped around by six guys it might hurt my feelings…

So you’re old-fashioned?

I guess I am.  On the other hand, if he really, really wanted it, it might turn me on!

Who’s your ideal lay?

Henry Rollins is pretty fucking hot man!

So you’re at a party with Henry.  You’re introduced.  How do you chat him up?

I don’t know.  I’d have to find out what he was into.  You see that’s the only thing I don’t like about myself.  I think I would have more success if I just went for what I wanted instead of trying to please people.

Isn’t that the paradox of being an actor?  You exist for others….

Yeah, it’s a problem.  You begin to wonder if you really feel anything.  ‘Am I acting, or is this really me?’  Something I can’t handle is rejection.  That makes me insane.  Someone rejects me that makes me want to kill.  I suppose that’s real.

So if Henry wanted you to be a sadist and whip his ass would you?

Yeah, I would.  And I’d probably enjoy it.

How about Stephen Baldwin.  Didn’t you make a movie with him which is basically all about his ass?

Oh, yeah, Threesome.  Oh man, I love Stephen.  He like totally loved showing off his butt in that movie.  When we were making that movie he was drinking a lot.  He’s sobered up now and become more respectable, but back then he was always getting trashed.  He was always getting his dick out and waving it at me.  He wanted to get blown by some chick while I watched.  Crazy shit man.

So what does Stephen’s dick look like?

Not very long, but very, very thick.

That figures.

Yeah, and I think he likes to be brutal with it.

I loved the climactic scene in Threesome where the cool liberal straight guy played by Stephen selflessly allows the sad fag to touch his bubble-butt whilst he balls the bitch….

Yeah!  It’s even funnier when you know Stephen.  During the filming of ‘Last Exit to Brooklyn’ we were drinking in the bar, like, really fucked up.  Then we went out into the lobby, and for some reason, he went to me, ‘I know what you want!’ ‘Oh yeah,’ I asked, ‘what’s that?’  He turns around and shows me his ass – in this brightly lit hotel lobby with people behind the desk and everything – ‘You want to fuck my ass don’t you?’   I laugh, but he’s serious.  ‘You DO, don’t you?’ he says, bending over rubbing his behind.  ‘YOU WANT TO FUCK MY ASS!’  I was like, ‘What??’  But he was like, ‘Oh, dude, this ass is SOMETHING ELSE!  You’ll FUCKING LOVE it man!’

He’s right of course.  He does have the best ass in Hollywood.

Yeah, it’s a fucking bubble-butt man, I’m telling you.  But he’s a fucking monster. He just really loves to be desired.  If he even thinks you’re into him he’ll want you to be around all the time.  I think that Steve is a sexy guy.  But he’s not the kind of person I’d try to get into bed – I know him too well.  He’s like a brother to me…

Yeah right. You’re sharing a motel room and Stephen Baldwin sneaks across to your bed in the middle of the night and starts slapping your face with his very fat cock and grunting – you’re absolutely going to call the management to demand your own room….

{Sighs.} Okay.  Well, if he made all the moves, then yeah, I probably wouldn’t stop him….

But that’s not going to happen because he wants all the attention.

And he gets it.  Bryan Singer, the guy who directed him in ‘The Usual Suspects’ was in love with Stephen.  One night the three of us were together in some punky club in LA and I made the mistake of introducing him to Traci Lordes.  Afterwards… Byan, Stephen and me were on the bench seat of Stephen’s pick up truck.  Brian was sandwiched between us, really off his face and out of nowhere he turned to Steve and said, ‘Oh GOD! I want you SOOO MUCH!’ and starts fucking crying on his fucking shoulder!!  And Stephen’s like ‘Er, it’s OK man…’ all the time with this ‘OH JEEZ!’ look on his face.  I told him, ‘You started it dude!  This is what you get for leading boys on!’

Stephen needs to be taught a lesson.

Yeah, and I think he’s fair game.  I think you’d probably have a good shot with Stephen.  I don’t think he’s one of those straight guys who’s into drag queens.  I think that if he opened himself up he could be genuinely bisexual, y’know what I mean?  I think that if he slept with a guy he’d wanna get fucked.

I’d love to help Stephen ‘open up’.  It would be nothing short of blasphemy for his prime rump to reach saggy old age without being put to the purpose which God clearly intended.…

And you know what?, even if you never get fucked in the ass ever, that’s the male G spot right there.  It’s the prostrate, y’know what I’m saying?  My best friend in LA, a straight guy, very open minded, he says he’s never wanted to get fucked, but every time his girlfriend sticks her finger up his butt he shoots, like everywhere.  He’s totally cool about his male vagina.  But most guys would be, ‘OMIGOD! I must be A FAG!’

So are you a bottom Alexis?

I think it goes beyond that.  I remember one of my first sexual energy things as a kid.  There was this cartoon I saw, where Colonel Custer was forcing some Indian to kiss his feet.  I remember getting a fierce little woody instantly.  POINGG!!.  Then I got together with a friend of mine when I was six and we’d play this game where he was the King and I was the slave, and all I really wanted to do was kiss his feet.  It just made me feel completely… opiated.  I didn’t know what sex was, but I knew I reallly, REALLY liked that.  And y’know what, since then, no matter how wild the sex, I’ve never experienced like that.  Nothing that’s come even close.

So are you a good little bottom?

There’s no-one that likes giving pleasure more than I do, but y’know what?  When I’m done, when I’ve busted, you’d better take you’re dick out, and you’d better get those shackles off me master, because this little pussy boys’ gonna kick your ass, daddy, coz I’m DONE!

{Alexis pauses and looks thoughtful.}  On the other hand, maybe I want to be taken to the point where I’m having sex with someone and not wanting it any more.  I don’t know….

Jeez, where does all this stuff come from?

© Copyright Mark Simpson 2010

Related posts:

1. Celebrity Big Brother Uk Drags It Up For The Final Season C4 have been running this rather clever new cross-dressing Renault...