Author Archives: Mark Simpson

Tongues at the Ready — Tom’s Tarty Men Appearing on Finnish Stamps

  Tom of Finland’s draw­ings are to appear on Finnish stamps this September. What bet­ter way to mark the global tri­umph of his kinky redesign of the male body? After all, Tom’s men were made to be licked from behind.

Meat the Spornosexuals

The second gen­er­a­tion of met­ro­sexu­als are cum­ming. And this time it’s hard­core by Mark Simpson What is it about male hip­sters and their strange, pal­lid, highly ambi­val­ent fas­cin­a­tion with bod­ies beefier and sex­ier than their own? Which means, of course, pretty much every­one? You may remem­ber last year that last year the Guardian colum­nist and […]

Dorian Orange

There was some­thing in his face that made one trust him at once. All the cand­our of youth was there, as well as all youth’s pas­sion­ate pur­ity. One felt that he had kept him­self unspot­ted from the world. No won­der Basil Hallward wor­shipped him.’ — The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde

A Male Fan Dance. With Towels.

This reminds me of what hap­pens whenever I go into the men’s chan­ging room at my gym. Probably the fun­ni­est thing about this French TV com­edy routine is how it depends on the way the lads’ cocks are hid­den from an audi­ence that is strain­ing to see them, while they end up shar­ing them with one […]

1983: The Last Great Year of Pop

In 1983, the year that McDonald’s intro­duced the Chicken McNugget and the second Cold War was at its height, the world very nearly ended when large NATO exer­cises were mis­taken by an extremely jit­tery USSR for pre­par­a­tions for a new Barbarossa. More omin­ously, com­pact discs went on sale in the United States and Europe, the […]

You’re as camp as a Brighton bus queue!” — The Bön Mots of Benidorm

I’ve snob­bishly held out against the sun-damaged charms of ITV’s pack­age hol­i­day sit­com Benidorm, set in the ‘all inclus­ive’ Hotel Solana, for sev­eral series. But the sixth one — which sadly this week pours the sand out of its shoes and packs its bags for another year — had me sur­ren­der­ing to it more legs […]

Paul Newman & James Dean on 1950s Broke Straight Guys

JD: “Kiss me” PN: “Not here!” Touching how shy and excited Paul Newman appears in this screen test for East of Eden - and how he tries to cover it up with boy­ish bravado. He also eas­ily out­shines Dean in looks — and totally eclipses him in stature. But per­haps not in cha­risma. The ever-cool Dean looks almost… […]

C4’s ‘Porn on the Brain’ remade for the American market

Mercifully shorter than the ori­ginal — but with more sci­ence. Though how, I won­der, if Mormons are appar­ently so blind to innu­endo are they sup­posed to spot the sins of emis­sion and the stains of Onan? Don’t bash the bishop! Talk to him! In his study. He’ll help you out.

Swedish Meatballs

De Vet Du, Sweden’s com­edy answer to Blue - and in fact all boy­bands every­where - dis­cover they can only get erec­tions around one another. Can’t say I blame them. Their next and most recent video seems like the nat­ural sequel; my Swedish is rather poor, but maybe the words would only con­fuse the mes­sage which seems to […]

I Spy an M-Way Onanist

Mark Simpson on the motor­way drivers we all love to hate  Statistically the safest roads to drive on, there’s nev­er­the­less some­thing about motor­ways that seems to bring out the very worst in drivers. Other drivers, that is. Never you or me, of course. Some would argue it’s because there’s no motor­way driv­ing required in the […]