From Metrosexual to Spornosexual — Two Decades of Male Deliciousness

Posted by in spornosexual

In a devel­op­ment which will prob­ably have him run­ning to the mir­ror yet again to search anxiously for lines, this year the met­ro­sexual leaves his teens and turns 20. How quickly your chil­dren grow up. Although it seems only yes­ter­day, I first wrote about him in 1994 after attend­ing an exhib­i­tion organ­ised by GQ magazine called “It’s a Man’s World”. I’d seen the future of mas­culin­ity and it was mois­tur­ised.’ Read my piece on the evol­u­tion of male van­ity at The Daily Telegraph (And don’t worry, des­pite the alarm­ing head­line The Telegraph gave the piece,…read more

Bare Thrills’ Strips Masculinity Down To Its Skidmarks

Posted by in TV

Maybe I suf­fer from what Freud described as man’s tend­ency to devalue what he desires, but I find any­thing touched by TV sur­viv­al­ist Bear Grylls’ calloused-but-manicured hands dif­fi­cult to take too ser­i­ously. But taken ser­i­ously he most cer­tainly has been by the UK media with his cur­rently air­ing C4 real­ity show The Island, in which thir­teen ‘ordin­ary men’ are marooned on a trop­ical island for a month to find out whether today’s softies can cut it as ‘hunter gatherer’ butch Bear Grylls types. Nothing very much hap­pens – the Gryllsettes grow beards,…read more

Ideas Above their Service Station

Posted by in cars

Motorway ser­vice sta­tions are toi­lets. And I don’t just mean the repu­ta­tion they have for being dirty and unap­peal­ing places to linger, let alone eat. I mean lit­er­ally. A recent sur­vey of 2000 motor­ists found that 65% only stop at ser­vice sta­tions to use the toi­let facil­it­ies. It wasn’t always that way. When the first UK ser­vice sta­tion opened in 1959 at Watford Gap on the M1 people would actu­ally make spe­cial trips just to visit them. Service sta­tions were space-age places to view the future whizz­ing past while enjoy­ing…read more

Dude, Where’s My Objectification?

Posted by in commentary

These ‘jokey’ Veet ‘Don’t risk dude­ness’ ads in which a ‘sexy lady’ turns into an ‘unsexy dude’ because she hasn’t used the smelly depil­at­ory cream have pro­voked an e-flurry of out­rage for their sex­ism and sham­ing of women who aren’t always smooth, so much so that Veet had to issue an apo­logy and with­draw them. But what’s truly ‘funny’ about these ads is that in some ways they strike me as actu­ally being the advert­ising world’s ver­sion of those ‘gender flip’ click-bait posts that many of the people lam­bast­ing the Veet ads pro­fess…read more

Tongues at the Ready — Tom’s Tarty Men Appearing on Finnish Stamps

Posted by in porn

  Tom of Finland’s draw­ings are to appear on Finnish stamps this September. What bet­ter way to mark the global tri­umph of his kinky redesign of the male body? After all, Tom’s men were made to be licked from behind.

Meat the Spornosexual

Posted by in masculinity, metrosexual

The second gen­er­a­tion of met­ro­sexu­als are cum­ming. And this time it’s hard­core by Mark Simpson What is it about male hip­sters and their strange, pal­lid, highly ambi­val­ent fas­cin­a­tion with bod­ies beefier and sex­ier than their own? Which means, of course, pretty much every­one? You may remem­ber last year that last year the Guardian colum­nist and TV presenter Charlton Brooker had a very messy bowel-evacuating panic attack over the self-sexualisation of the male body exhib­ited in real­ity show Geordie Shore. Now the hip­ster bible Vice have run a long, pas­sion­ate –…read more

A Male Fan Dance. With Towels.

Posted by in commentary


1983: The Last Great Year of Pop

Posted by in 80s, music

From the gender-bending antics of Eurythmics and Culture Club to the propuls­ive syn­thpop of Depeche Mode, New Order, and the Human League, was there ever, asks Mark Simpson, a more spec­tac­u­lar time for music? (Originally appeared on, 18 Feb, 2014) IN 1983, THE YEAR that McDonald’s intro­duced the Chicken McNugget and the second Cold War was at its height, the world very nearly ended when large NATO exer­cises were mis­taken by an extremely jit­tery USSR for pre­par­a­tions for a new Barbarossa. More omin­ously, com­pact discs went on sale in the United States…read more

You’re as camp as a Brighton bus queue!” — The Bön Mots of Benidorm

Posted by in comedy, television

I’ve snob­bishly held out against the sun-damaged charms of ITV’s pack­age hol­i­day sit­com Benidorm, set in the ‘all inclus­ive’ Hotel Solana, for sev­eral series. But the sixth one — which sadly this week pours the sand out of its shoes and packs its bags for another year — had me sur­ren­der­ing to it more legs akimbo than the Solanas’ Mrs Slocombe-esque man­ageress Joyce Temple-Savage for Matthew Kelly. Created and writ­ten by Derren Litten (co-writer for The Catherine Tate Show), Benidorm is Carry On meets St Trinians meets Are You Being…read more

Paul Newman & James Dean on 1950s Broke Straight Guys

Posted by in 1950s


Swedish Meatballs

Posted by in music


I Spy an M-Way Onanist

Posted by in cars, Travel

Mark Simpson on the motor­way drivers we all love to hate  Statistically the safest roads to drive on, there’s nev­er­the­less some­thing about motor­ways that seems to bring out the very worst in drivers. Other drivers, that is. Never you or me, of course. Some would argue it’s because there’s no motor­way driv­ing required in the UK driv­ing test. But I think it’s because M-ways aren’t really any­where. They’re a limbo-land of anonym­ous bore­dom where people’s darkest per­son­al­ity defects come out to play – mag­ni­fied fright­en­ingly by the horsepower they’re barely…read more

Greased Up Swedish Marines

Posted by in commentary


It’s a wonderful beard! It’s SO THICK!!”

Posted by in advertising


What Exactly Was Heterosexuality?

Posted by in commentary

  This clas­sic Gay Liberation poster from 1975 by Alan Wakeman mock­ing mid-century het­ero­sex­ist plat­it­udes remains very funny indeed. It’s also still per­haps the best response to those — straight and gay — still seek­ing to find the ’cause’ of homo­sexu­al­ity. Though obvi­ously the ‘Cultural Deprivation’ bal­loon at the bot­tom is no longer true: ‘Heterosexual men… think them­selves “ugly”, beauty being ascribed only to women. Many psychic dis­orders stem from this self-rejection.’ Three dec­ades on, male het­ero­sexu­al­ity has been pretty much phased out and replaced by met­ro­sexu­al­ity — spec­tac­u­larly abol­ish­ing the sexual…read more

The Catlike Narcissism of Metrosexy Men — & Cats

Posted by in commentary

Which one would get your cream?  From Des Hommes et des Chatons Tip: DAKrolak

Metrosexuality & the Selfie

Posted by in commentary, interviews, masculinity, metrosexual, metrosexy, Women

Metrodaddy Mark Simpson was recently email inter­viewed by Beverly Parungao for a Sydney Morning Herald piece titled ‘Are Men Becoming Too Metrosexual?’ . Below are his unapo­lo­getic, uncir­cum­cised replies. BP: What is driv­ing the met­ro­sexual move­ment? MS: Self-love – and a cer­tain amount of self-loathing – is cer­tainly a power­ful dynamo. But ulti­mately what we’re see­ing here is noth­ing less than a revolu­tion in mas­culin­ity in par­tic­u­lar and gender rela­tion­ships in gen­eral. Metrosexuality isn’t about flip flops, facials or man­scara, or about men becom­ing ‘girly’ or ‘gay’ – it’s about men becom­ing everything. Everything that they want to be.…read more


Posted by in advertising, metrosexy

Dan Osborne, the won­der­fully, shame­lessly tarty star of The Only Way is Essex and now beau­ti­fully brazen under­wear model for Bang Lads, phở­to­graphed deli­ciously by Darren Black.  Write-up by the DM on the shoot here.

A1 Love — The Greatness of The Great North Road

Posted by in history, Travel

Mark Simpson goes on a road trip con­nect­ing four coun­tries: England, Scotland, the UK — and Yorkshire. What’s so ‘Great’ about ‘The Great North Road’? Better known in our more impa­tient era as the A1? Well, if you’re unfor­tu­nate enough to find your­self in the south, it takes you to the north – or ‘The NORTH’ as the sig­nage rightly has it. And unlike the more pop­u­lar M1, it goes all the way NORTH – instead of peter­ing out like a big Jessie near Leeds. And that’s the proper shin­ing, horny helmeted,…read more

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