MARK SIMPSON.com

Beck’s ‘tidy’ Armani underwear ads have generated a craze for male waxing, according to the Guardian:

All over the country more and more men (gay and straight alike) are marching into beauty salons and demanding a “Boyzilian”, or as one Yorkshire-based salon bills it, “the Full Monty”. In other words, the complete or near-complete removal of hair in intimate areas using wax. If you have £120 to spare, you can even get it done in Harrods, in the Refinery spa.

Clearly these men haven’t been reading Desmond Morris’ recently-published hairy retrosexual reverie The Naked Man. He must be, er, pulling his hair out.

Retrosexuality Islamic stylee - which until recently was possibly the only un-ironic or non-fashion-accessorised kind of retrosexuality left - seems to be in a bad way in the Islamic heartland. Medievalism just isn’t what it used to be.

Yesterday’s London Times carries a news feature on what’s termed “Pakistan’s metrosexual revolution”. The local Mullahs’ fatwahs on beauty salons for women as ‘un-Islamic’ appear to have provoked Pakistani men into an inspiring act of solidarity with their countrywomen: they’ve been selflessly queuing up for waxings and facials themselves and splashing out on Western vanity products for their own bathroom cabinets. Male cosmetic surgery and hair transplants are sprouting up everywhere - including on the previously shiny bonces of former Prime Ministers such as Nawaz Sharif who recently tried to return to Pakistan (the bad quality of his implants and dye job led to his immediate deportation back to Saudi Arabia).

Most Pakistani women are not complaining about the locked bathroom door. A survey of 25,000 women found that over half preferred men with “a metrosexual appearance similar to David Beckham” to those with “a rugged appearance”. Though perhaps they just preferred a man who looked like they had David Beckham’s money.

But the most important angle to this news about Pakistan’s ‘metrosexual revolution’ has been missed: it confirms that the most wanted man on the planet after David Beckham - Osama Bin Laden - has indeed been taking refuge in the country as many suspected. In his recent cheery ‘anniversary’ video address, the one exhorting Americans to ‘embrace Islam’, Bin Laden appears to have ordered a 9-11 on that tired-looking grey beard of his seen in previous videos and given some major uplift to his Prophet of Doom look with a trim and a dye that has really helped massacre the years. Who wouldn’t embrace him now? Patently, Pakistan’s metrosexual makeover fever has reached Osama, even in his inaccessible mountain redoubt.

Now all the the CIA has to do is find a cave in on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border within easy donkey-ride of a drug store stocking bottles of Arabian 2000 hair restorer.

Beck’s Stateside tarting continues.

American mobile communications company Motorola have launched a poster campaign for their new Razr with an image of their ‘Global Brand Ambassador’ with his tits out.

In recognition of where most men and women are going to be looking, the product is dangling between Beck’s pecs from a chain around his neck.

The mobile is supposed to become an object of desire because of its proximity to the most famous nipples in the world. I wonder if Beck’s tits taste slightly bitter when you chew on them, like many men’s? Or whether they taste instead of pink champagne?

The chain (no pockets?) and the cropping of the pic more than hints that Becks is completely starkers.

And is it just me, or is he gazing at us greedily like punter at a gay sex club who wants us to take him home for some individual attention and capture him with his mobile camera in all sorts slutty positions?

Oh, OK, just me then.

Mind you, he’s already posed for those slutty pictures.