David Beckham’s ‘End Result’ — Can You Handle It?

Better order some indus­trial strength lip balm and prac­tise sup­press­ing the gag reflex.

Shameless sporno star and über-metrosexual David Beckham is ram­ming his eye-popping lunch­box down our col­lect­ive throats again. This time with a media ‘offens­ive’ for his own line of men’s undies – and strangely shape­less vests – from Swedish-owned high street fash­ion chain H&M.

grey David Beckhams End Result   Can You Handle It?

I always want to chal­lenge myself and this was such a reward­ing exper­i­ence for me. I’m very happy with the end res­ult and I hope H&M’s male cus­tom­ers will be as excited as I am.”.

It’s true, you do look very pleased to see us again, David dear. But I worry that my ‘end res­ult’ might not look quite so excited/exciting in your pants.

But Beck’s own palp­able, prom­in­ent excite­ment is entirely under­stand­able. He saw the humong­ous wads of cash Mr Armani was covered in when he brazenly pimped Beck’s designer cotton-clad tackle to the world a few years back. Becks was paid very hand­somely for his ser­vices him­self of course, but seems to have decided he can make even more filthy lucre by design­ing his packet him­self and flog­ging it to the global punter (H&M is the second largest retailer in the world).

Last year he explained:

I have had the idea of doing a body­wear col­lec­tion for some time now. The push to do some­thing of my own really came as a res­ult of my col­lab­or­a­tion with Armani. They told me that their gross turnover in 2007 was around €16 mil­lion, and after the cam­paign in 2008 it went up to €31 mil­lion, in 2008. It proved to me that there is a real mar­ket for good-looking, well-made men’s bodywear.”

grey David Beckhams End Result   Can You Handle It?
Whether or not his fin­ished pants and vests are that kind of body­wear I’ll let you be the judge of. Bear in mind they are a lot more afford­able than Mr Armani’s. I think proud-father-of-four Goldenballs is here going for ‘volume’. Metrosexy dad­wear. Hence the emphasis he puts on comfort.

And as we’ve seen again and again in the last few years, there is def­in­itely a real mar­ket for good-looking, well-made, fam­ous, well-packaged men’s bod­ies. Advertisers, real­ity TV and Hollywood have prac­tic­ally had our eye out with them.

Regardless of his advan­cing years (he’s a fright­en­ingly well-preserved, carb-free 37 this May) and con­sequently fad­ing foot­ball career, Becks will always be fondly iden­ti­fied with that met­ro­sexual revolu­tion and will very likely get his money shot yet again.

He and his endow­ments, nat­ural and Photo-shopped, always seems to wangle a way to attract the eye. Whatever you may think of his vests.

 

Nadal Hammered Into Sexy, Slippery Pieces by Armani

As if the tarty Armani poster of Rafael Nadal offer­ing his arse to the world wasn’t slutty enough. Along comes the sporno video.

The ten­nis ace is being shoved up against the (unplastered) wall and then thrown down and hammered on the builder’s bench. Twice.

By the cam­era. Which chops up his body into sexy, slip­pery bits and pieces. Tits and ass and abs. Total, rampant, ruth­less objec­ti­fic­a­tion. Which Mr Nadal — like many young men today — appears to relish.

And that liquid he’s half-drowning in. Is it bod­ily flu­ids? Or is he being water boarded by our gaze?

Could this video in fact be any slut­tier, without actual pen­et­ra­tion? Then again, wouldn’t your actual, standard-issue pen­et­ra­tion dimin­ish the slut­ti­ness by mak­ing it both ‘hard’ and banal?  Instead of the grainy non-specific slut­ti­ness that drips off everything in our medi­ated, met­ro­sexy world.

Tarty Armani’s Latest Sporno Spunk

grey Tarty Armanis Latest Sporno Spunk

Paolo Rumi in Milano sends this snap of Armani’s latest sporno star, ten­nis player Rafael Nadal, kindly offer­ing his giant but pertly ath­letic arse to pass­ers by in Armani’s hometown.

In the early Noughties I described the exhib­i­tion­ism of met­ro­sexu­al­ity as ‘lit­er­ally ask­ing to be fucked’. I’m sure people thought I was being absurd and vul­gar again. I was, of course.  But I was also on the money (shot).

The Daily Mail taste­fully describes this saucy image of the world’s No.1 ten­nis player half-naked, bent over and look­ing implor­ingly at the cam­era over his shoulder as ‘con­fid­ent’. Which is reas­sur­ingly mas­cu­line sound­ing enough for their read­ers I sup­pose. While per­haps imply­ing ‘spunky’. But let’s not pre­tend that this image is summed up by any other word other than ‘coquet­tish’. Coquettish with knobs on. And in. It could be an image straight out of a Dieux du Stade cal­en­dar (minus the jeans).

It isn’t just the fact that a half-naked Rafael is appar­ently offer­ing him­self on a prop from a porno movie set (‘Builders’ Big Erections’). It’s the smoothly invit­ing, defence­less mus­cu­lature of his prone shoulders and back. And the small of his back before the tempt­ing swell­ing bubble of his butt filling out the product so allur­ingly. Along with that ‘come on big boy’ expres­sion on his flirty face — which added all together shouts out: WANT ME!

As with much of sporno the dynamic of the image is the delib­er­ate pro­voca­tion of an ath­lete who lives by ‘mas­cu­line’ ‘activ­ity’ flaunt­ing his flag­rant ‘fem­in­ine’ ‘passiv­ity’ to the world. And in case any­one refuses to get the mes­sage, Armani are, in this cam­paign, sim­ul­tan­eously run­ning an image of a slightly boy­ish look­ing tat­tooed Megan Fox in the same pose. Lovely as it is, it doesn’t have quite the same charge as the Nadal snap, and in fact seems to have been designed to merely draw more atten­tion to the tarti­ness of Nadal’s pose.

grey Tarty Armanis Latest Sporno Spunk

Male tarti­ness, once con­sidered per­verse and unnat­ural is a very big very global busi­ness these days. Or as Paolo put it in his email to me with the pic attached of Rafael spread all over the wall in Milano: ‘the homo­sexu­al­iz­a­tion of het­ero­sexu­al­ity is complete’.

grey Tarty Armanis Latest Sporno Spunk

 

Cristiano Can’t Find His Shirt — But Always Knows Where the Camera Is

Cristiano Ronaldo’s latest for Armani shows him look­ing — not too hard — for his t-shirt.  Do you remem­ber when maids rather than foot­ballers were treated as sex-objects?  No?  OK, I must be get­ting very old indeed.  But of course this tra­di­tion is what the ad is play­ing on — the reversal, or reflection/refraction, of ‘the male gaze’ that has happened in the last couple of dec­ades that is the sig­na­ture style of met­ro­sexu­al­ity.  And like­wise it trumps the tra­di­tional pre­sump­tion of fem­in­ine passiv­ity and sub­missive­ness: the maid is doing the perving.

Now, I’m all in favour of Cristiano wan­der­ing around half-naked, espe­cially the bit where the cam­era zooms in on his aston­ish­ing thighs, but can we please have some­thing just a little more con­vin­cing next time?  I mean, it’s entirely believ­able that he would be more inter­ested in his favour­ite t-shirt than the pretty maid, but are we really sup­posed to believe that he wouldn’t notice someone scop­ing him?

After all, every cell in his breath­tak­ing body is clearly soak­ing up the atten­tion of the cam­era lens.…

Tip: Andre Murracas

David Beckham’s Package: Don’t Handle The Goods, Madam

After all those ads in which Becks thrus­ted his giant Armani wrapped pack­age in our faces if not down our throats, an Italian satir­ical TV show decided to do a little con­sumer product test­ing.  You know that in Italy they like to handle the saus­age and toma­toes — and haggle over the price — before they part with their Euros.

Both parties are clearly unimpressed.

For those who don’t speak the most beau­ti­ful, most musical lan­guage in the world: the rubber-gloved lady shouts at a hooded, glower­ing Beckham driv­ing off in his (ridicu­lously large) car full of mind­ers: ‘HOW COULD YOU TAKE US FORRIDE!!??’

The incid­ent has caused some anger in the UK, and some see it as out­right sexual assault.  But if you are paid very large wedges of cash to put your lunch­box on the side of buses to sell over­priced under­wear to the masses then per­haps the only shock­ing thing is that more punters don’t cop a feel of the goods.

Cristiano Ronaldo Grabs David Beckham’s Bulging Underwear

grey Cristiano Ronaldo Grabs David Beckhams Bulging Underwear

My con­grat­u­la­tions go to Cristiano Ronaldo, who once again is step­ping into Beck’s pricey shoes – and briefs. Ronaldo has just been named Armani’s new inter­na­tional ‘spokes­model’. (Presumably his legs and packet are going to do all the talking.)

grey Cristiano Ronaldo Grabs David Beckhams Bulging UnderwearPoor Becks, Mr Armani’s pre­vi­ous sporno star, dis­carded by his Italian designer sugar daddy like yesterday’s trade, unpop­u­lar at Galaxy FC and cur­rently sport­ing a Captain Birdseye beard, is increas­ingly look­ing like someone who was merely keep­ing that over­priced under­wear warm for Ronaldo. In fact, being appoin­ted Mr Armani’s inter­na­tional flasher – rather than the record-busting trans­fer deal to Real Madrid earlier this year — is the 100% cot­ton proof that Ronaldo has now finally and offi­cially eclipsed Becks bul­ging pro­file in the metro-tarting stakes.

The crown of met­ro­sexu­al­ity — and more import­antly the pants — have been passed on to a new gen­er­a­tion. Cristiano Ronaldo, ladies and gents, is the new met­ro­sexual king/queen. (He may not have much taste, but that’s the won­der­ful thing about being king or queen: you don’t have to.)

Becks may have blazed a trail for foot­balling met­ro­sexu­al­ity, but Ronaldo is look­ing like the fin­ished, total product where Becks was merely the pro­to­type. Ronaldo is genu­inely, boy­ishly (and annoy­ingly) beau­ti­ful, where Becks, well into his thirties now, increas­ingly looks like mut­ton very expens­ively dressed as lamb.

I don’t think though that Becks will fade away any time soon. Despite all the talk about his his fetch­ing looks, he never was a great beauty. No, really. It was the pas­sion of his desire to be desired that was always the com­pel­ling thing about him — and as he gets older that pas­sion will prob­ably only increase.

Even with a Birdseye beard.

 

Becks’ Bulge Begins Boyzilian Boom

grey Becks Bulge Begins Boyzilian Boom

Beck’s ‘tidy’ Armani under­wear ads have gen­er­ated a craze for male wax­ing, accord­ing to the Guardian:

All over the coun­try more and more men (gay and straight alike) are march­ing into beauty salons and demand­ing a “Boyzilian”, or as one Yorkshire-based salon bills it, “the Full Monty”. In other words, the com­plete or near-complete removal of hair in intim­ate areas using wax. If you have £120 to spare, you can even get it done in Harrods, in the Refinery spa.

Clearly these men haven’t been read­ing Desmond Morris’ recently-published hairy ret­ro­sexual rev­erie The Naked Man. He must be, er, pulling his hair out.