Tag Archives: Cristiano Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo Gives Birth To Godlike New Pants — & His Mini-Me

Cristiano Can’t Find His Shirt — But Always Knows Where the Camera Is

Cristiano Ronaldo’s latest for Armani shows him look­ing — not too hard — for his t-shirt.  Do you remem­ber when maids rather than foot­ballers were treated as sex-objects?  No?  OK, I must be get­ting very old indeed.  But of course this tra­di­tion is what the ad is play­ing on — the reversal, or reflection/refraction, of […]

The Press Still Love-Hates ‘Twinkletoes’ Ronaldo So

Cristiano Ronaldo’s latest fash­ion foible, painted toe-nails has pro­voked the usual bitchy, mock­ing response that is attached to any­thing Ronaldo in the Anglo media. Despite — or per­haps because of — the way they seem to regard him as a sure-fire way of selling news­pa­pers. The announce­ment of the birth of his son by a […]

David Beckham’s Package: Don’t Handle The Goods, Madam

After all those ads in which Becks thrus­ted his giant Armani wrapped pack­age in our faces if not down our throats, an Italian satir­ical TV show decided to do a little con­sumer product test­ing.  You know that in Italy they like to handle the saus­age and toma­toes — and haggle over the price — before […]

Cristiano Ronaldo Grabs David Beckham’s Bulging Underwear

My con­grat­u­la­tions go to Cristiano Ronaldo, who once again is step­ping into Beck’s pricey shoes – and briefs. Ronaldo has just been named Armani’s new inter­na­tional ‘spokes­model’. (Presumably his legs and packet are going to do all the talk­ing.) Poor Becks, Mr Armani’s pre­vi­ous sporno star, dis­carded by his Italian designer sugar daddy like yesterday’s trade, unpopular […]

We Loved You Really, Ronaldo

By Mark Simpson (col­lec­ted in Metrosexy) Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the best foot­ballers ever to play in this coun­try — and one of the best look­ing — brought out the worst in the English. He prickled you see, our ugly, mean-minded, spite­ful, spit­ting jeal­ousy. We were jeal­ous of his tal­ent, his looks, his body, his […]

Why The Sun Can’t Leave Ronaldo’s Legs Alone

Ere, Ron, The Sun’s just texted me. They want to know if you’ve got any smal­ler shorts.” Britain’s best-selling news­pa­per The Sun has been work­ing itself into a con­fused lather about our met­ro­sexual foot­ballers, again. Like me, it just can’t leave them alone. In a long, hand-wringing — and graph­ic­ally illus­trated — art­icle spread over the […]

Sporno: where sport and porn meet and produce a spectacular money shot

Just in time for the World Cup the July issue of the re-launched OUT fea­tures an essay by yours truly on the post-metrosexual pornoliz­a­tion of sport — or what I dub ‘sporno’.  Here’s a (breath­less) taster: ‘Sportsmen on this side of the Atlantic are increas­ingly openly acknow­ledging and flirt­ing with their gay fans, à la […]