The Crapsex Guide

Most Britons are unhappy with their sex lives’, accord­ing to a recent sex sur­vey. Apparently they don’t enjoy it very much (nearly half don’t orgasm every time — and their part­ners don’t even notice).


Most of all, they com­plain that their ‘busy life­styles’ mean they don’t have enough time to have ‘really sat­is­fy­ing sex’.

No won­der. After all, it takes a lot of plan­ning and a whole day of film­ing to record just one porn scene. Editing can take weeks. Especially if, like me, you have to use a lot of CGI.

And get­ting a body like the ones spor­ted by the pneu­matic couple used by the Sun to illus­trate this fea­ture, or in fact any art­icle on sex, rela­tion­ships, or mort­gages, is a full-time occu­pa­tion. You cer­tainly don’t get one by redeem­ing your tabloid Family Basket KFC vouchers.

But per­haps you’re bored with all those news­pa­per and magazine art­icles, videos, TV shows and nurs­ery school classes on how to have Better! Bigger! Hornier! Hotter! SEX!!! Maybe you’re sick of wor­ry­ing whether your flex­ib­il­ity and muscle con­trol would get you into the cir­cus or not. Maybe you won­der whether things have gone too far and too blue in con­sumer culture’s relent­less, obsess­ive, insatiable-inflatable pur­suit of eye-popping, bed-slat-snapping, whor­ish HotSexTM.

If you are you’re prob­ably as over the hill as me.

Either way, I say it’s time to stop skip­ping to the whip of aspir­a­tion­ally slutty HotSex and drain that water bed, can­cel that Viagra bulk order, turn the lights off and take some pride in sex that is not hot.

Otherwise known as crap­sex.

To that end I’ve come up with eight semi-erect reas­ons why luke­warm crap­sex is bet­ter than horny HotSex (and it only took me three minutes):

1. You don’t have to worry about your appear­ance.
During crap­sex you’re covered the whole time by your duvet. During HotSex, you’re forever stop­ping the action in order to reapply your body make-up and adjust the pos­i­tion of the arc lamps and the camcorder.

2. Crapsex is quick.
Because crap­sex doesn’t take much time, or effort and, frankly, isn’t very sat­is­fy­ing, there’s always plenty of time and energy left over for import­ant things like over-eating, build­ing ships inside bottles, depres­sion, mas­turb­a­tion. And affection.

3. Crapsex is cheap.
No Internet bills, no year-round tan, no gym-membership, no sil­ic­one implants, no vacuum-pump, no hay bills for the goat in the back­yard. All you need for crap­sex is a slightly raised pulse. Well, a pulse.

4. Crapsex is easy.
HotSex is an end­less com­pet­i­tion — with your­self. Each lay is metic­u­lously com­pared with the last, and rated on a personal-best score-sheet. Crapsex cuts out this grind­ing stress-cycle with the relax­ing reas­sur­ance that sex can’t get any worse. HotSex, on the other hand, is bound to.

5. Crapsex keeps you faith­ful.
If you’ve been hav­ing lots of a crap­sex, oth­er­wise known as ‘mono­gamy’, it’s sens­ible to avoid new part­ners because they might have been hav­ing lots of HotSex and will laugh at your untrimmed pubic hair and unsup­pressed gag reflex.

6. Crapsex won’t wake the neigh­bours.
Or your partner.

7. Crapsex doesn’t have to be with someone who is your ‘type’.
Or accept­able to your per­sonal fet­ish chart. Instead it can be sex with someone you’re almost quite fond of, when the lights are off and they haven’t been eat­ing onions. And it’s their birthday.

8. Crapsex is the real world.
But this is also the reason why most of us these days will choose HotSex every time.


© Mark Simpson 2007