Is There Sex After Marriage?

A remark­ably, refresh­ingly reas­on­able treat­ment of the Spitzer scan­dal and the indis­pens­able social role of pros­ti­tutes by a woman, Minette Marin, in The London Times (if a straight man had writ­ten this he would prob­ably have faced a lengthy free sex ban):

Right up and down the scale, a man can rent a girl a great deal bet­ter and more coöper­at­ive than the woman he lives with. She will be prob­ably be much more sexu­ally exper­i­enced and more accom­plished than most wives too. In plain English, or so I am told by per­fectly nice men, pros­ti­tutes tend to be bet­ter at it. They tend to be younger and more ener­getic. They are also pre­pared to do things which her indoors might draw the line at. Some pros­ti­tutes provide tender lov­ing care, too; the fam­ous madam Cynthia Payne provided her sub­urban cli­ents with com­fort food after the act in the form of poached eggs on toast.

The other awk­ward fact, which most people must know, but some­how prefer to ignore, is that men often prefer sex without a rela­tion­ship. Perhaps that is wrong of them, but one must con­cede that rela­tion­ships can be wear­ing, par­tic­u­larly mar­riage, and some­times a man just wants time out, and sex without strings is clearly a source of great pleas­ure, at least for men. If you were an evol­u­tion­ary bio­lo­gist you might argue that unfettered sex is entirely nat­ural to men. One might at least agree that hogam­ous higam­ous, man seems to be a bit polygamous.

Prostitution, like cruis­ing, is some­thing that makes the insti­tu­tion of mar­riage tol­er­able for many men who oth­er­wise wouldn’t be able to meet its rather exact­ing stand­ards. No strings, slutty sex out­side mar­riage might, for many men, be the only kind of sex there is. For them, sex inside mar­riage is per­haps the abnor­mal­ity. ‘Where they love they do not desire and where they desire they can­not love’, as Dr Freud put it. Such is the nature of much male sexu­al­ity — for which, of course, quite a few women wish to con­demn men as a species.

Gay mar­riage may have had a lot of press lately, along with the con­sol­ing idea that homos are becom­ing home­bod­ies, but what is rather less pub­li­cised is that gay male mar­riage is, by defin­i­tion, a much more ‘real­istic’ arrange­ment than the tra­di­tional vari­ety. Because it involves two men, they usu­ally don’t hold each other up to such exact­ing sexual stand­ards. They can’t kid them­selves — or each other. Truth be told, the easy­going atti­tude of many gay part­ners towards sex out­side the rela­tion­ship — and the use of online cruis­ing sites like Gaydar — would be intol­er­able for most het­ero­sexual women, and many het­ero­sexual men for that matter.

Male cruis­ing pro­duces even more hys­teria and hypo­crisy than pros­ti­tu­tion — when it involves a man mar­ried to a woman. In the midst of all the loudly pro­claimed sanc­ti­mony over Spitzer’s use of call girls, no one is sug­gest­ing that the former NY Governor is obvi­ously a con­gen­ital vis­itor of pros­ti­tutes and this this is the truth of who he is and hence his mar­riage must have been a com­plete sham from day one and in fact his whole life has been a lie.

No, that’s some­thing reserved for Senators bus­ted in dubi­ous air­port rest-room entrap­ments.