We Loved You Really, Ronaldo

By Mark Simpson (collected in Metrosexy) Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the best footballers ever to play in this country – and one of the best looking – brought out the worst in the English. He prickled you see, our ugly, mean-minded, spiteful, spitting jealousy. We were jealous of his talent, his looks, his body, his […]

Why The Sun Can’t Leave Ronaldo’s Legs Alone

Britain’s best-selling newspaper The Sun has been working itself into a confused lather about our metrosexual footballers, again. Like me, it just can’t leave them alone. In a long, hand-wringing – and graphically illustrated – article spread over the centre pages last Friday headlined ‘Preen Team’ they ask ‘What the hell is going on with […]

I Wanna Hold Your Hand: Touchy-Feely Footballers

By Mark Simpson (Guardian CIF, 30/11/07) In an age of broadband hardcore it’s rather sweet to discover that men are still so easily aroused. At least, that is, football fans and tabloid journalists. A little innocent hand-holding by Liverpool FC during a team-building training session before their crucial Champions League match with Porto worked the […]

The Sun newspaper – how gay is it?

Why is Britain’s best-selling, sauciest tabloid so unsure of its sexuality? Mark Simpson, the Guardian (August 24, 2007) The Sun’s TV critic Ally Ross is an unhappy camper. You see, he’s always bitching about TV being ‘too gay’. Which is a rather peculiar thing for a TV critic to complain about. Perhaps his dad wanted […]

I (Still) Want Your sex: The Sun & George Michael’s privates

In case you thought I was joking when I wrote about the gentlemen of the British press being unable to leave George Michael’s penis alone, today’s Sun newspaper, twisted sister tabloid to the News of the World scandal sheet that ran the original front page Hampstead Heath expose, provides further, lurid proof of the seriousness of […]