Metrosexual breasts

American scientists believe that metrosexuality in pre-pubescent boys causes them to develop breasts.  (Post-pubescent metros can’t rely on product to give them a nice pair of tits and have to visit the gym.)

Captain Kirk’s Bulging Trousers

Mark Simpson on the pointed queerness of the original Shatner/Nimoy Star Trek series – and the PC limpness of all the spin-offs. (Originally appeared on Feb. 26, 2003) The first thing that greets me is Capt. Kirk’s package. Jim’s intergalactic manhood is clearly, alarmingly outlined against the fabric of his tight 1960s-cut black trousers, dressing very much to the left. I assure you I wasn’t looking for it – it just loomed up, like a de-cloaked Romulan Bird of Prey. It shouldn’t be surprising that James […]

The Smell of Chip Fat at Teatime

By Mark Simpson (Independent on Sunday, 28 January, 2007) Stuart Maconie is looking for the North. It’s not really so difficult to find, but we’re only a few pages into his new travelogue ‘Pies and Prejudice: In Search of the North’ and he’s already hopelessly lost. Perhaps he’s spent too long in the south (the blurb describes him as “a northerner in exile, stateless and confused”), or perhaps he’s visited the buffet car once too often. Whatever the reason, he’s more off-course than the MSC Napoli as […]

Unleash the Geek

By Mark Simpson (Independent on Sunday, 21/01/07) When I was a boy in the lan­guor­ous 1970s I looked for­ward to Christmas not just for the prez­zies but the bore­dom that only cold tur­key and just three TV chan­nels could pro­duce. I cal­cu­lated that the more bored every­one was the more chance there was that they might suc­cumb to my out­land­ish, vaguely inde­cent entreaty: ‘Let’s play Escape from Colditz!’ ‘Oh, no! Not Escape From Colditz!!’ every­one would cry, shrink­ing away in hor­ror as I bran­dished the unfeas­ibly […]

Beckham the Virus (Goes To Hollywood)

So David Beckham, the uber-metrosexual, the photogenic English athlete who transfigured himself from mere professional soccer player into global me-dia, is leaving Real Madrid Football Club, his home for the past three years, and is now heading for the City of Signs. Beckham became a Hollywood footballer years ago (around about the time of my essay ‘Beckham the Virus’, posted below).  Certainly his bosses at Real Madrid seem to have found Becks more style than substance. But in a metrosexualised world style is almost everything now.  Even and especially in […]

A man of great Euro-vision

(Originally appeared here 10/1/07) First the Tory party, now the BBC. Is there any daggy British institution that isn’t scrabbling for a sweaty piece of Mozza’s gold lamé shirt, like an especially wild-eyed fan at the end of a gig? You can hardly have escaped the news that, after last year’s grinding nadir of Daz Sampson, the rapping metalwork teacher, BBC Eurovision was “in talks” with rap-loathing Morrissey about writing (but not performing) this year’s UK entry. Which is probably the point. Like Tory leader David Cameron’s incessant […]

Hack to the future: letter to the ‘Sunday Telegraph’

The Editor Sunday Telegraph Sir, As the ‘father’ of the metrosexual, I was fascinated to read (‘Oracle worker’; Jan 7, 2007) that an American ad-exec called Marian Salzman is ‘a step ahead of the rest of us’ and a leading ‘futurologist’ because she ‘predicted the rise of metrosexuals’, a species she ‘dreamt up’ for a campaign for Peroni beer in 2003. It’s very kind of this marketer to try – yet again – to take responsibility for the metrosexual, but as that annoying thing called Google shows, […]