Sex Terrorist (UNZIPPED June 2002)

Last month we printed an excerpt from British writer Mark Simpson’s hilarious new book Sex Terror: Erotic Misadventures in Pop Culture. This issue, we asked Mark what it takes to scare him in bed.

Your book's called SEX TERROR. When you were just a wee little lad, did you hear any horror stories about sex that scared you?
MS: Yes, I heard this strange rumour that sex was supposed to be something that happened between men and women, usually in Holy Wedlock.  Amazing the stuff you'll believe when you're a kid!  But you know, the really weird thing is I think there may even have been some truth to that story.  You see, back then Internet chat rooms and mobile phones hadn't been invented.

What's the scariest thing that's happened to you during a shag?
Eye contact.

What's the worst thing about sex in general?
Other people.  And that expression: 'now it's your turn'.  Why do people think that sex has anything to do with reciprocation?

Have you ever terrorized anyone for sex?
Apparently not enough.  There was someone who wrote in to a magazine to complain about me: "I really, really HATE that Mark Simpson.  Do you think he'll fuck me?"

In your book (and in your book), what WAS the scariest/freakiest bit of sex scandal that's happened since 1996?
Those all-over body suits Olympic swimmers started wearing a couple of years
back were a terrible scandal - unless you're into rubber, I suppose....

What makes you feel sexy?
The smell of rugby scrums, barracks, prison showers and freshly dropped soap.

What's the absolute worst come-on or pick-up line you've heard lately?
"Would you like to be interviewed?"

What can a man do that will guarantee your being seduced?
Mention his wife.

Has a bloke ever done anything so shocking in bed that you just had to leave?
Post coitus, someone once discussed my prose style.

What is your favorite form of foreplay?
Locking the door.

What kind of dirty talk turns you on?
"Mr Simpson, we've already sold out the entire stock for your book and we're currently printing another 20,000"

When was the last time you just couldn't say no?
Actually, the problem I have is with the word 'yes'.

What was the best sex you've ever had?
With a shower.  I was 13 at the time and had discovered that I could masturbate by dripping water from a showerhead onto the head of my cock. It took forever and by the time I came I'd caught a cold and my cock had formed lime scaling, but it was worth it.

What was the worst sex you've ever had?
2001.  The whole year.  Mind, I expect that 2002 will turn out to be even worse.