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Gay science

Lady America seems to be pinned between the thrusting theocracy of St Paul and the passive-aggressive pseudo science of Karl Ulrichs. Not a good look.

I understand that many American gays, most of them middle-aged and no longer with hair whorls of their own, are keen to prove they’re an immutable/congenital minority who can’t help themselves, that Mom isn’t to blame and they need their own reservation – where the Christians can’t be beastly to them. After all, who wants to take personal responsibility for liking Cher?

But if you’re going to look to science to further your pet political project (i.e. yourself) then it does, I’m afraid, make it somewhat tricky criticising those on the right who do the same thing. Surgeon general nominee James Holsinger’s Godly science of the Holy Rectum is as convincing and as objective as the weird science of the Third Sexers.

And that’s without even considering how, whatever the professed aims of the gay scientists involved, talk of congenital conditions always raises the spectre of eugenics. To be honest, if I was to have kids I’m not sure I’d want a gay one. I mean, he might grew up to be a scientist with a chip on his shoulder harassing people on Pride parades wanting to look at their hair whorls.

I think the only way to describe this science is ‘gay’ – in the sense of ‘lame’.

That said, after looking at my my hair whorl, my index finger, my penis length, my head bumps, my underwear and my record collection, I had a revelation on the road to the gymnasium about Who I Really Am.

The results are conclusive, categorical and as clear as the hand in front of my face: I’m definitely a lesbian trapped in a straight man’s gay body.

Tip: Uroskin

9 thoughts on “Gay science”

  1. Oh I see it’s the direction of growth from the crown outwards – silly me. It’s a long time since I entrusted my few remaining locks to a hairdresser GlenH, a once over every week with the clippers is all they need.

  2. But surely you can tell the lad on the right is the straight boy without reference to his “hair whorl”? It’s the thickness of the neck that’s the clincher . . .

  3. I have two crowns, one of each, does this make me bisexual ? And surely these chaps have growth in the opposite direction to the labels on the photos ?

  4. Someone emailed this article to me recently.

    When will they be bringing back phrenology, palmistry and astrology to assist in reinvigorating the 19th century project of establishing a gay race.

    I’m not so much worried about eugenics, because I don’t think the science is remotely valid (and being right handed and clockwise whorled-?!!-I might slip past the Gestapo for a while).

    I just find the whole thing rather insulting and ghettoizing. I really think there are a lot of really, really far left gays who feel slighted because they can “pass” so easily, making them less substantially and horrendously oppressed, and therefore less interesting than, say, blacks or jews or women.

  5. Fucking brilliant
    the science behind gay show on i think it was Dateline was
    equally as fucked up – scary nazi ‘probing’ of cool weird kids

  6. Well, I’m glad I’m not the only Lesbian gay man around here! Am I a bit strange that I don’t really need to know why I’m gay or what is the great purpose in my life? Some of these guys really need to get out a bit more often…

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