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Bear Grylls – Nature Gimp

I’ve often thought that Bear Grylls’ ‘survival’ programs with his frequent nakedness and subby eagerness to put all sorts of eeeurgh! things in his mouth in extreme close-up while generally putting his body on display and in harm’s way are really a form of fetish porn. Bear Grylls: Nature Gimp.

Yes, it’s true that I see porn everywhere – especially if it involves fit young chaps – but in this instance I think it’s quite deliberate.

The clincher is Grylls’ terrible acting.  It’s passionately unconvincing.  Acting so bad that almost by itself it renders what you’re watching pornography, even on the rare occasions he keeps his clothes on. And as in porn, his bad acting is a major part of the sadistic pleasure of voyeurism.

I would describe Bear as taking the role of the bottom in gay porn but this probably isn’t accurate enough. Bottoms in gay porn generally don’t make nearly as much noise as Bear: it would be a bit of a turn off.

No, Bear makes as much noise as women in straight porn. Bear’s job, like female porn stars, is to act out (very, very badly) the pain, pleasure and degradation – and glamour – of being on the receiving end.  Of being ‘the bitch’.  For the male viewer.

Every time Bear the rufty-tufty ex-SAS explorer jumps naked into an ice hole or eats dung the ridiculous noise he makes lets us know that we’re watching something much kinkier than a survival programme.

But this clip in which he gives himself an enema ‘Only as a last resort’ takes everything to a whole new level. The noise he makes as he ‘lies back and thinks of England’ should get him an Adult Video Award. I’m sure that giving yourself an enema with seagull poo-flavoured water in a chunky plastic hose is a trifle uncomfortable, but Bear manages to make it sound like he’s being fisted by a Rhino.

Bear Grylls: Use only as a last resort – if you can’t find any proper porn.

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24 thoughts on “Bear Grylls – Nature Gimp”

  1. That may really throw a wrench in the works for marriage crazed American pseudo liberals, making them look dull as merganzers with frost bite; denser too.

  2. Bear Grylls’ given name is Edward. I propose to call this new genre of hungry-bottom nature-challenge porn Teddy Bear’s Picnic.

  3. Mark & RMC No American T.V would do it& possibly BBC. But he would brek all prior records in pay per view Porno shops. He could almost have his own specialty in Adventure/video shops. I see a consumer need on the horizon. You could have combo Camping/S/M/goods for sale. This coud be a new opening for Metroretrosexual afficionados. The Bear bottom group.

  4. I see more seagulls grabbing the enema tube and dragging his sorry little raft to a beach where he’s ravished by walruses before being rescued by a gay cruise liner and forced to make spanking porn films

  5. I should say “Clash of the Titans”, Mark, given your last expression of (I’m sure feigned), revulsion. This Bear could offer the public a whole new avenue of porn expression-truly au natural and very butch: imagine being being taken by suprise by a horney polar bear as he was taking an innocent enema: guess what he’s in position already for?. He could be attacked by maurauding Indians and forced to blow all of them. What if he parachuted into the middle of a gay cruise and made to cross dress, just before getting arrested and subjected to multiple shock appliances a la deriere by the coast guard.
    Truly an Indian Jones for our age. He just needs a new promoter. & It was your idea Mark.!

  6. Imagine the advertizing Mark Simpson challenges Bear Grylls’ ass. His greatest challenge yet! Meeting of the Titans!

  7. RMC: Same with Geo. Bush: that didn’t keep him from mooning the whole world. Not so attractively though, ugh; imagine!
    and, Most certainly, guano would give anyone a good case of Hep A. right off. I’m with Mark, it’s the exhuberant ass not the medical conditions ior internals that matter so much to an afficianado.

  8. my experience of him is that he’s not very bright – tried to talk with him about Wilfred Thesiger but, er, he doesn’t really read. Anything.

  9. Roger: But ‘only as a last resort’. And only when a camera crew sipping iced smoothies is following your raft in a motor yacht, which focussing their zoom lens on your Chief Scout butt.

  10. Mark S. as Bears ass was sticking right in the librarians face, I could only tell him to be quite for the critical impassioned moment then ,in a huff , say that I would just go home and use my computer since his obvious ly wasn’t up to snuff !

    I am suprized trhat someone with Bears ‘ wild individualism, facing the elements and all, wouldn’t appeal to traditional Americans. Guess its the the bare bottom and enemas etc that aren’t too catchy to the Anglo-protestant mind.. I’d certainly go for that! He sure beats Andrea as a power bottom. Nice ass! Not fat and hairy like Sulivans(no doubt).

  11. He’s the chief scout, isn’t he? First since Baden-Powell surely to approve of enemas. Perhaps the country isn’t going to the dogs after all…

  12. Mark W: I would have liked to have been a reader at your library when the muscular Christian’s anal orgasm shattered the learned silence.

    ce: It’s true that Bear is a big faker, but his exhibitionism and gimpiness is frighteningly genuine. I suspect he is shoving something up there, we just don’t know whether it’s touching the sides.

  13. I was watchingg the great Bear enema saga in the Public Library, and just as Bear was letting out a howl, the Librarian accosted me and said that my head set didn’t work and everyone could hear him throughout the floor.

    I won’t say what I said to him, since clearly this was a special moment for Bear. On top of screeching like a whore he wasn’t even in recommended hospital position; on one’s side. Instead he made sure to assume the most inviting position on his back with his ass up, legs spread asunder., which would be a loser for an enema. He obviously had practiced his technique elsewhere.

  14. I couldn’t miss the spiritual connectedness between he and the other “Bear” we love, Andrea. We could shoot Grylls out of Sullivans monster asshole at a church performance. “Step up ladies and gentlemen to see this retardo at the risk of all his appendages and extremities and appurtances be shot out a rose window into Buckingham palace like a great fart’ down Wall street into the White House.

  15. Checking Bears site his credentials came immediately clear:

    “There are a precious few people in this world who can really make a difference in a positive way. . .you are one. . . an inspiration”

    CEO British Airways

    “providing course to the armed service exploring the Christian Faith and the role of the armed services within that faith.”

    He looks kind of fuckable and truely fist fuckable, but given his associations , I’d prefer a rocket launcher with a rhino attachment, both for he and the CEO a, and assorted Christian followers.

    Christian/Neocon porn?

  16. Ah, all becomes clear. I didn’t know about him being an Old Etonian. Probably a major Tart.

    As for Hugh, I’ll confess I’ve never been quite able to bring myself to watch him. Of course, if he had Bear’s buttocks it would be a different story….

    Perhaps someone should bring them together in the same show: Nature Gimp Meets Cottage Sadist.

  17. Well that’s Eton for you, Eton and being the son of a Conservative MP. In that sense I think his noisy, chomping, cartoon-physical televisual style has much to do with fellow OE Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, though Hugh’s TV persona is an aggressive top, a sadist posing as an empath, a floppy haired ravisher and marrow-sucker of beasts.

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