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David Beckham’s ‘End Result’ – Can You Handle It?

Better order some industrial strength lip balm and practise suppressing the gag reflex.

Shameless sporno star and uber-metrosexual David Beckham is ramming his eye-popping lunchbox down our collective throats again. This time with a media ‘offensive’ for his own line of men’s undies – and strangely shapeless vests – from Swedish-owned high street fashion chain H&M.

“I always want to challenge myself and this was such a rewarding experience for me. I’m very happy with the end result and I hope H&M’s male customers will be as excited as I am.”.

It’s true, you do look very pleased to see us again, David dear. But I worry that my ‘end result’ might not look quite so excited/exciting in your pants.

But Beck’s own palpable, prominent excitement is entirely understandable. He saw the humongous wads of cash Mr Armani was covered in when he brazenly pimped Beck’s designer cotton-clad tackle to the world a few years back. Becks was paid very handsomely for his services himself of course, but seems to have decided he can make even more filthy lucre by designing his packet himself and flogging it to the global punter (H&M is the second largest retailer in the world).

Last year he explained:

“I have had the idea of doing a bodywear collection for some time now. The push to do something of my own really came as a result of my collaboration with Armani. They told me that their gross turnover in 2007 was around €16 million, and after the campaign in 2008 it went up to €31 million, in 2008. It proved to me that there is a real market for good-looking, well-made men’s bodywear.”

Whether or not his finished pants and vests are that kind of bodywear I’ll let you be the judge of. Bear in mind they are a lot more affordable than Mr Armani’s. I think proud-father-of-four Goldenballs is here going for ‘volume’. Metrosexy dadwear. Hence the emphasis he puts on comfort.

And as we’ve seen again and again in the last few years, there is definitely a real market for good-looking, well-made, famous, well-packaged men’s bodies. Advertisers, reality TV and Hollywood have practically had our eye out with them.

Regardless of his advancing years (he’s a frighteningly well-preserved, carb-free 37 this May) and consequently fading football career, Becks will always be fondly identified with that metrosexual revolution, and will very likely get his money shot yet again.

He and his endowments, natural and Photo-shopped, always seems to wangle a way to attract the eye. Whatever you may think of his vests.

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5 thoughts on “David Beckham’s ‘End Result’ – Can You Handle It?”

  1. Mark W: Armani is blame free, here. These daggy undies are brought to us by H&M (in partnership with Mr Beckham). I think Armani would have a seizure if his name appeared on this kind of apparel.

  2. I’ve reread my friends status. He said ‘H&M undies make your tool look massive’
    It’s a meat market out there and as a vegan I care more about what’s on the inside not the flashy packaging.
    I think you should start a petition and force him to prove that his manhood hasn’t been digitally enhanced or that it’s a rubber one like in the film ‘Boogie Nights’ although I didn’t feel coined by the actor Mark Wahlberg.

  3. I believe the underpants contain pouches with padding. Last week, my friend put his status on facebook as ‘H&M undies make you look huge!’ They’re as fake as his hairline.
    Beckham is the male ‘Jordan’ only worse. At least Katie and Peter portray themselves as cheap tarts. David and Vicky are equally extravagant with their money, at whoring their bodies to the highest bidder yet the media sells them as elite talents.
    Well, maybe designing undies requires him to do more then say ‘I like that one’
    Don’t cheapen yourself, don’t buy them.

  4. My god, those are the type of undies i see on some guys in the gym lately, if you think they look strange from the front on a well shaped man, you should ust get a sideways glance at nearly anyone from the side: looks vaguely like someones mother in a girdle with a peripad slipped in the front: merci!
    Just an affront to the concept of self image. I can see why becks looks a little cranky.I think they are made to lift a sagging arse (under clothing and somehow allow a chap to pull their naugty bits up to where they look like a lump in the front). On a skinny guy they wiould look like grandpa in his winter skivies (to what effect I don’t know).

    The tee shirt somehow gives Becks a discernable pot belly: this type wear metrosexualy would ideally show off shoulders and arm muscles and tits: not pot belly, which seems to be ideal retrosexual.

    Together one looks like a cross between someones mother in a girdle and a pot bellied beer guzzler.

    I don’t get it. My best guess is that Armani is just keeping abreast of the times; That is the explosion bodies, i.e. to accommodate the ever enlarging average waistlines. Data indicates that unemployed Americans -getting fat from inactivity are just embarrassed by the skimpy underwear in which they can’t find their male organs.(which look so awesome in the models wearing last years variety; and teeshits which slip up over their guts as though they were pregnant-altered with incipient motherhood.

    Lesson for advertisers: there is only a certain point at which you can convince your customers that your merchandise will change them; then a point at which your customers force you to change your aims as to what you can sell them.

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