marksimpson.com

The 'Daddy' of the Metrosexual, the Retrosexual, & spawner of the Spornosexual

Menu Close

Tag: soldiers acting gay on video (page 1 of 2)

Lights, Camera, Action Man

It was announced last month that the little man is finally getting the big screen treatment. The director of the last two Muppet films is making an Action Man action movie.

But it seems that moneysupermarket.com have beaten him to it, producing this blockbuster which has been airing on UK television.

In it a regiment of Action Men in various butch outfits and manly accessories break into some very camp dance moves, to the strains of CeCe Peniston’s gay club hit ‘Finally’. For the big finish, some of them strip down to their moulded plastic briefs while the rest of the guys hoof it.

It’s very Village People, darling.

‘Epic Action Man’ represents a continuity with Moneysupermarket’s previous offerings which have ostentatiously fucked about with conventional masculinity – such as ‘Epic Strut’ in which a man who is apparently a male office worker from the waist up and a big-bootied woman in heels from the waist down (a kind of gender-fuck Centaur – or a binary non-binary) shakes his be-denimed money-maker around town.

Can we fix it?

The sequel, ‘Epic Squads‘, saw ‘Dave’ up the ante and lead a squad of similarly split-dressed apparently male office workers in a flaming dance-off with a group of builders with some really devastating moves.

And then the ante was upped again last year in ads which starred those famous 80s TV icons of boyish excitement He-Man and Skeletor, perhaps the best one being a parody of Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey famous end-of-movie dance to ‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My life’ from the ultimate 80s chick-flick, ‘Dirty Dancing’. (And yes, Skeletor gives good Grey.)

So, having gayed up He-Man and got him to drop his big sword it was probably inevitable that they would turn Action Man into a club queen.

I’m not sure that Moneysupermarket has any other aim in these ads other than to grab our attention with something a bit shocking and giggly as we inhale our gluten-free ready meal. And it’s easiest and safest nowadays to do that with machismo: the images and iconography are very familiar and because they came from a more ‘innocent’ age, or at least less knowing, much of the work of parodying them has already been done by time. (See also Top Gun.)

Though Action Man like He-Man was of course always more than a little bit camp – at least seen in the right light, or by the wrong eyes. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, butchness is such a very difficult pose to keep up. Even when you’re made of 12 inches of moulded plastic. (I’m not if I’m honest really looking forwards to the Action Man movie: I prefer to hold on to the movies he starred in inside my head when I was a kid.)

Action Man – On Land, On Sea & Legs in the Air

Perhaps though the ‘funniest’ thing about Moneysupermarket’s ‘Epic Action Man’ ad and its swishing is that it is actually a case of dolls imitating  real life soldiers. Action Man is here after all just catching up with all those YouTube videos of yer actual live squaddies in some desert locale camping it up to Lady Gaga.

Why Straight Soldiers Can’t Stop Acting Gay on Video

h/t P

Soldiers & Cadets Acting Gaily On Video (Again)

Here are the cadets of Ulyanovsk flight school, Russian Federation, relaxing in their dorm. With a special guest appearance by a banana.

This charming video upset conservatives, including the head of the college, but prompted a host of similar videos by Russian students in response to talk of disciplining some of the participants – and the intervention of the Governor of the Ulyanovsk region to prevent expulsions.

The Russian lads were performing a homo-age to this highly ‘satisfying’ British Army classic some years ago. Which is itself a ‘gender flip’ homo-age to the famously ‘objectifying’ Benassi ‘Satisfaction’ video,  in which these fighting men eagerly take on the role of saucy bimbos. (My money is on it all being the idea of the squaddie who opens the video mopping in a thong – and sporting the best buttocks in the barracks):

The Russian lads seem to have upped the gay-ante however with the addition of a banana and bondage gear.

Though my personal favourite of the genre (a rich one on YouTube: you could – and I have – spend hours browsing it) is probably this one by Royal Marines, originally performed to the strains of ‘Call On Me’ but apparently the owners of the rights to the song objected, the Philistines.

Note how meticulously researched and choreographed the gay porn poses are at the ‘climax’.

And here’s me explaining what it all means (don’t worry, there are more videos):

Why Straight Soldiers Can’t Stop Acting Gay on Video

 

Greased Up Swedish Marines


Read more

Royal Marines Directed by Visconti, Choreographed by Richard O’Brien – Sponsored by WKD

(Be sure to watch all the way to the ‘climax’.)

Becks’ Bum: Satisfaction or Disappointment?

Becks running

I don’t have much to say about the much-discussed latest Beckham ad for his H&M pants, directed by fellow LA-loving Brit Guy Ritchie, in which he runs through Beverly Hills in his white slippers as the props and scenery conspire to remove his clothes, Cupid Stunt-like.

Except: Those slippers must be really, really snug to stay on.

And: How sweet that Guy Ritchie has graduated from making homophobic gay porn for straight men, such as Lock Stock and Snatch, to making gay porn for, well, everyone.

OK, while I found the rest of it, like the underwear itself, fairly forgettable (especially the Cheever cliche) – and even when he has no lines Becks evidently still can’t act to save his dressing gown – the final shot is more interesting.

Unlike those eye-poppingly Photoshopped Armani ads the emphasis in this ad commodifying the world’s most famous man’s body seems to be not on his basket but his on his bum.

And what a hungry bum it appears to be.

pants

This shot (reprised twice in the ad) is probably intended to demonstrate the lovely stretchiness of the lycra-cotton mix and rub up against our commodity fetishism. But it looks like something else is quite stretchy too.

Perhaps the real reason I don’t have much more to say about Beck’s latest is because I’m very distracted. By the hilarious parody clip below made by some ‘cheeky’ British Army lads for nowt which has recently been brought to my attention.

Not only does it represent the ultimate in all those ‘soldiers acting gay’ vids (ending up as a semi-simulated gay orgy), it also represents a much funnier, much metrosexier example of ‘self-objectification’ and male exhibitionism and ‘passivity’ than Becks and Ritchie’s big budget bore. (

Plus they seem to have got around the packet problem by shamelessly stuffing their crotches.

Basically, it’s just so much more satisfying.

Besides, the squaddie who opens the video – and whose idea the whole thing probably was – has got a better arse than Becks. He doesn’t need a booty double.

Oh, and his underwear is much nicer too.

Tip: DAKrolak

Web Hosting

Copyright © 1994 - 2018 Mark Simpson All Rights Reserved.